Cold Hands

So I'm on the train, and for some reason, my hands are cold. The fact that its below 32 right might give a hint. And typing with numb thumbs is preeeety hard. I just noticed that numb and thumb rhyme. Joy!

Let's reflect on the approaching new year. Its december 10th, and I'm not feeling giddy or excited for 2011. I guess its just another year. Nothing special. BUT IT IS!! Its a chance to start new and fresh, but I don't feel anything has to change. I feel good about myself, and I'm ok with my life in general. So I do not know.

I guess that's it, nothing new to share. This was fun. Maybe I'll make an effort to document my life a bit more. Its better than no documentation at all right? Yea I thought so too.

Superficial

Why do people spend so much time and money on their looks? Superficiality will only get you so far..
I propose a new system of classifying ugly and beautiful - talking.
Yes, I said it, TALKING. Perhaps talking to someone to determine their quality of brain would be a better use of time.
I admit, I've judged people based on their looks many times, but I'm in the process of quitting.
Some of the most "beautiful" people have nothing interesting to say. The sale at abercrombie and fitch could be fun to listen about..for maybe 20 seconds.

Let's make a pact. Let's try to judge people only after talking to them for at least five minutes.

Woody's a genius!

frustrated

frus·trat·ed

    [fruhs-trey-tid] 

–adjective

1.disappointed; thwarted: an announcer who was a frustrated actor.

2.having a feeling of or filled with frustration; dissatisfied: His unresolved difficulty left him absolutely frustrated.

Dictionary.com defines frustration as disappointment. But I feel more than disappointed. I feel like I’m unable to understand myself, unable to get to the root of the problem. When I’m down, I eat. A LOT. Ok, well not that much..but still more than I should. And when I can't eat, I smoke. I also have this ARGGG and BAHHH feeling that I can't seem to express. I want to scream..so loudly, but I cant. Just like in the dream I had today, yes today, where I try to scream and nothing comes out. Instead, after my attempted scream, my mouth transforms into some sort of vortex and it made a sound like a rewinding tape..like something out of a horror film.

Searching frustration yields a slightly more accurate definition: a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

I do have anxiety. I’m anxious about starting school, about leaving the past behind and starting anew. I don’t know how I’ll do it- go to school, do it all right. I’m sure I’ll be fine, but right now, I’m fucking going out of my mind. I need to relax, breathe, and take things one at a time, step by step. And taking things as they come, and dealing with them at an appropriate time is the way I’ll deal with this.

I still feel like crap, this job stresses me out so much. The kids, the fucking kids. BAHHHH!!! And on top of this my therapist is out of town and I don’t have anyone to talk to, who can really help me out. And I went to the gym today, and it was a total fail. At some moment, the feeling of ‘I cant do it’ hit me, and then I really couldn’t do it. I got on the treadmill and got off in about 2 and a half minutes. 

So, to sum up, I'm frustrated, and the feeling wont go away.