frustrated

frus·trat·ed

    [fruhs-trey-tid] 

–adjective

1.disappointed; thwarted: an announcer who was a frustrated actor.

2.having a feeling of or filled with frustration; dissatisfied: His unresolved difficulty left him absolutely frustrated.

Dictionary.com defines frustration as disappointment. But I feel more than disappointed. I feel like I’m unable to understand myself, unable to get to the root of the problem. When I’m down, I eat. A LOT. Ok, well not that much..but still more than I should. And when I can't eat, I smoke. I also have this ARGGG and BAHHH feeling that I can't seem to express. I want to scream..so loudly, but I cant. Just like in the dream I had today, yes today, where I try to scream and nothing comes out. Instead, after my attempted scream, my mouth transforms into some sort of vortex and it made a sound like a rewinding tape..like something out of a horror film.

Searching frustration yields a slightly more accurate definition: a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

I do have anxiety. I’m anxious about starting school, about leaving the past behind and starting anew. I don’t know how I’ll do it- go to school, do it all right. I’m sure I’ll be fine, but right now, I’m fucking going out of my mind. I need to relax, breathe, and take things one at a time, step by step. And taking things as they come, and dealing with them at an appropriate time is the way I’ll deal with this.

I still feel like crap, this job stresses me out so much. The kids, the fucking kids. BAHHHH!!! And on top of this my therapist is out of town and I don’t have anyone to talk to, who can really help me out. And I went to the gym today, and it was a total fail. At some moment, the feeling of ‘I cant do it’ hit me, and then I really couldn’t do it. I got on the treadmill and got off in about 2 and a half minutes. 

So, to sum up, I'm frustrated, and the feeling wont go away.